When I was asked to review a book on being childless called Complete Without Children by Ellen L. Walker Ph.D, I took the book for a number of reasons.
Picture from Me
I have to admit I was intrigued by the book after reading news stories that there are more households that have a pet than have a child in the house. That’s right, 39% of households in America have a pet dog while 33.5% of households have a child under the age of 18.
I am willing to bet most of those households have dogs but that is beyond the point. Apparently fewer of us are having children or waiting longer to do it. Which means we have fewer children.
Some of my friends saw me reading this book and wondered why I was reading such a thing. After all, I have four kids. It was a bit too late to have a childless life if I so wanted.
For me the book was more of a glimspe into the life I might have had if I had not changed my mind about wanting a family. I could have travelled more, figured out my life ambitions more, devoted more energy to a career. When I was young I stated I did not want children because I was a selfish being and kids require a certain selflessness. You have to understand that your wants and needs do not always matter.
In this book Dr. Walker looks at women who were childless by choice, by happenstance or by circumstances beyond their control. I felt sorry for the women who could not have children and grieved the loss. But for the women who did not have children and choose not to have children, I felt complete agreement.
One woman had to raise her younger siblings while their mother worked to support the family. Another never wanted children and ended a relationship with a man who did want a family. The author was involved with men who already had children or did not want to start a family. By the time she got around to thinking about children it was too late for her. Besides that, she enjoyed having freetime to work on projects. Another woman worked as a freelance graphic designer and liked having a quiet house so she could work all day and all night if need be.
What made this reading assignment enjoyable is that the book is written in a conversational manner. I began to know people and enjoyed reading how they came to their lifestyle decisions.
When my husband saw the book I was reading, he snorted. Then he made a comment that not having a family is un-natural. We are meant to have families, we humans are made to have families and by golly, everyone who is capable of having children should have children.
Really, I answered. Because I would rather have parents who want kids in this world. How many kids have we seen on our street and in our community where parents are parents not by choice. And the majority of those parents are angry, resentful parents who pass on those feeling to their kids, making for angry resentful kids. Yep, that’s what I want in the world. Kids raised by angry, resentful parents.
I would rather have children raised by parents who want them, by parents who give a shit about their kids. Quite frankly, it is brave of these women to stand up and say “I do not have a maternal bone in my body.” Nor I do not think they should be ridiculed or put down for that. Knowing what you do not want is just as important as knowing what you do want.
Who needs kids when you can get a puppy? Picture by Bad Robt
However, you and I know people will shake their heads and cluck their tongues at women whose life does not have a child tugging at their shirt tails. God forbid a woman should walk a different path than one of motherhood, still. I thought feminism was getting us beyond this point. We are used to women working, women being able to own their own homes and have their own credit card.
That childless woman a real threat to society. Yep, I am buying into that line thinking. Just as soon as I buy into the idea that the Moon Missions really happened in the desert.
Now if you are interested in reading the book, I am giving away my copy. Add a comment making the request and I will pick someone at random.
In the meantime, let me know what you think about women who choose not to have children. Unnatural or a good decision – tell me.
nice post. i think women should be able to choose whatever life they’d like. just like men. then again, i think women should make the full dollar rather than the $.77 we make compared to men, too, so don’t listen to me. having children is huge – it’s all consuming and most certainly does require a level of selflessness not to be taken lightly. there’s so much this world needs – especially from women – i think the more of them devoting their whole hearts and souls to it, the better. it wasn’t that long ago that women weren’t really able to make any choices at all. let’s celebrate our slow growing independence – all of it – from those choosing to be mothers because they really and truly want to be one and those choosing to forgo motherhood for other life paths. we all rock!
I wonder if Stevie Nicks regrets not having children although she had/has a wonderful career. I am still waiting for that pay thing to come around. I just hope it is better for my daughter.
Hi Karen,
I just saw your review of the book Complete Without Kids and a women who is childless by choice I was deeply appreciative and moved by your review. I noted one of the “characters” in the book said she didn’t have a maternal bone in her body, while that is not the case with me I to applaud her self knowledge and appreciate she realizes that she would not make a wonderful mother, which is what all mothers should strive for. I was blessed with a mother who was born to nurture and know that if that is not the case with you maybe deciding to be childless is the braver thing to do.
Would love to read the book.
Thanks again for your review, as always it was a joy to read.
Bethany Bowman
Bethany,
First, I have to out you as my neice and let everyone know I did not pay for that glowing response although I do appreciate it. Secondly, I believe this is a hard choice for women to make. We are told we are made for one thing and as life points out all too clearly, one role does not suit every person. You were lucky to have a mother so involved, I wish every kid could get that.
Karyn
I would love a chance to “win” the book.
I agree with what you’ve written above; children deserve a world in which they’re greeted with the love they deserve. If that’s not something a woman a man is equipped to prepare, I think that’s a marvelous thing for them to realize before procreating.
I didn’t intend to have children. Now that I have Li’l D, it’s hard for me to imagine life without him. But while I see the magnificent things about having a child, it’s true there’s a great deal of sacrifice. I find the sacrifice worthwhile, but I absolutely understand why someone would want the freedom to be sick without having to nevertheless tend to another, or to not have the financial burdens correlated with children.
My life was a lot less full without Li’l D. I’m glad I made the choice I did and feel absolutely that the joys outweigh the sacrifices. That is my individual choice, and I love living in a world that–I hope–is becoming increasingly respectful of peoples’ ability to choose the life that’s the right fit for them.
Deborah,
I know what you mean. I did not intend to have kids when I was in college. Sometime in my twenties I changed my mind and glad that I did.
Had I not had kids, I am sure I would have had a full life but a different one. Who knows where our choices will lead us but I wish people would respect what others choose – even if it is not a path you would choose yourself. My hope is yours but boy do I see some mean-thinking people out there still.
I never imagined myself as a Mom. We were married 13 years when we decided, “what will be will be” and we quit using birth control. My son is 24 and I can’t imagine life w/o him. I have a sister in law who says she doesn’t want kids and would be a terrible mother but she is like the best aunt evr and really loves all her nieces and nephews.
I’m a bit on the fence when it comes to having children. I like the idea of children, but I know for a certainly that I am in no way ready for motherhood. I talked it over with my (now ^^) fiance and we came to an agreement to wait a few years after we got married to have kids.
It is good that you guys have made an agreement. I watched a marriage break-up because she didn’t and he did.