Have you ever been in a long period of ennui?
I have. Right now, in fact.
There are many mitigating factors. The loss of my job a year ago, the acceptance that some of my dreams will not be happening, my oldest one moving out, my mother having a ‘health incident,’ debt that does not seem to be going away.
I am tired all of the time. I can’t move and creating anything beyond the basics is an effort. My garden is done for the year and that is one easy blog entry every two weeks I won’t have for the next five months.
Picture by Krumdieck
I am hitting a wall. But what I really want to do is bust through.
I read blogs about other people taking a leap of faith, quitting their jobs and moving towards their dreams. I am inspired, I am fearful. I am wondering what I would do if that was me. I push myself to eat right and exercise so that I won’t slide back from the physical gains I have made in the past year. I keep wondering what is next.
What is my dream? What do I want to pursue?
The novel I started writing and re-writing is not getting done. The quilt I started that is for my room is not getting done. I thought about starting a magazine. I think about starting a artist’s colony that would also offer a variety of classes and artistic space for retreats -groups and singles.
picture by o0o0xmods0o0o
What I am really doing is running in place.
I am sewing but not completing anything. I mend the back of my couch time and time again, just to have to do it two weeks later. I clean up the same mess of dropped coats and accumulating clutter every week, every day.
So I have started asking myself what I want. First on the list is to never again have a boss like my last one whose madness was never inspiring. I spent more time wondering how to stay out of her way and being on the good side. That was never going to happen because as editorial, I was not earning money for the company. Granted, I was creating the product the sales staff was selling BUT WHO CARES THE FUCK ABOUT THAT!
I want something that allows my creative side and teaching side to come out. I want to have some status and some money so I can afford the crossover vehicle of my dreams. No matter what I dream up, I can see how it will all happen. But what I want the most from the crystal ball is to know which one would be best. What should I try for that will make money and bring happiness while being an ethical business person? Once that is decided, how do I get the money to make it all happen?
Picture by Seemann
Perhaps if I swirl the last of the coffee in my cup and read the crumbs after they settle I will figure it all out.
Or not.
What’s the novel on? I’ve been trying to write one for years and have finally realised it’s never going to happen so have decided to concentrate on short stories as otherwise my attention tends to wander.
I’m impressed by your ability to sew though. I’m currently cross-stitching Christmas cards for friends and family and int wo weeks I’ve managed one card. Who knew it was such hard work? Maybe I should go back to knitting scarfs and hats.
I applaud your effort to cross-stitch. It is one craft I have never been able to complete. I need to crochet a few scarves for christmas and need to get started.
The novel is a love story, two people who have known each other forever and she figures out he is the love of her life while going through her divorce. I keep trying to rush to the good parts but you have to get the first act done, well, first.
Thanks for stopping by.
can.completely.relate. What works for me? Stepping back, trying hard not to over-think it (really difficult for me) and making a list. List 1: everything you want to do, enjoy about a job, schedule etc. List 2: what you absolutely will not accept or do again. Keep those with you. When an opportunity comes your way, no matter if it’s professional or not, take out the lists and measure the opportunity against your lists. It. Works. Peace :)
I will keep that in mind. The most important thing to me is being my own boss and being a good boss should I have employees. There is a part of me that wants to do a magazine but recently my husband suggested the colony idea. I think the latter might afford me more time with my family which I really want as well. Perhaps I do need to write this down a paper.
for me, writing it down gives it a voice whether it’s a deep seated fear or a trembling ridiciculous rant .. either way .. I find it helps. You already have more of it laid out than you might realize! See your response above :)
I hear ya. It sounds like — very reasonably — you’re tired and worn out and dispirited. That’s OK. It’s not pleasant, but after the year you’ve described, who wouldn’t be?
I made up an expression a few years back when it seemed nothing was working. I said aloud “I feel like I’m wrestling with a crocodile.” And some part of my brain replied; “Drop the crocodile.”
Let the damn sofa go — or slipcover it. There are few things more annoying and de-motivating than s–t that never gets *resolved*! With all due respect to your family, maybe demand more work from them, which will lessen your load emotionally (frustration, weariness) and physically.
I have had periods like the one you’re in. It’s not amusing, but you may be in a valley for a while, looking up (as it were) at all the peaks you hope to climb. I love your ideas, but they do sound ambitious and tiring! Maybe chill for a few weeks. Just be really kind to yourself and you may feel much more recharged.
I took a hooky day yesterday (OK, the lunch was a business lunch) and came home feeling better about all the boring stuff I need to get back to doing.
I think you are right. I need to slog it out for a while. And I love that phrase – wrestling with a crocodile. In various parts of my life that is exactly what I am doing. Looking forward to taking a hooky day in the near future. Thanks for your words of wisdom and for stopping by.
Nothing easy about being in this mood. I’ve come across different pieces of advice on this, usually filed somewhere under “how to organize your time.” Break it down to little steps. Take a break. Try something completely new. The best I can do when I’m in this mood is to just exercise a lot, but I suspect that everyone has to find their own remedy.
Ryan
Organizing my time I can do. Anything new or different really takes effort. After listening to everyone’s advice what I think I am going to do is take the month of December “off” from the ruminating and remeber to treat myself well. Get a hair cut, do girly maintenance and enjoy the holidays. Come January, I am getting on the wagon again and work on whatever I have decided on.
You’ve described exactly what I felt for a long time. I’ve got a couple of books that I’d like to recommend to you that might seem wonky and out there, but I promise you that if you give them a chance, that they can change your life. Here they are:
– Excuse Me Your Life is Waiting by Lynn Grabhorn
– Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston
I hope you find your way out of this funk soon. All the best.
I probably would not find them too wonky and am willing to give them a try. Thanks for the suggestions.
This is what I thought reading this post: sometimes we just get into these weird uninspired limbo places and it’s the process of being uncomfortable which spurns on the thinking and searching which leads to our new path. . .The limbo stage sucks. Keep pushing through!
It is a sucky place which inspires thought on how to get out. Thanks for the encouragement!
As we head toward middle of February I hope that your state of ‘Ennui’ has faded away. I think it’s something we all pass through. For me it seems to hit when I’ve accomplished a big goal – finishing my BA at 40, selling my business at 58 – or after working through some kind of major crisis or loss. I wish there was one way to go through it, but I haven’t found it. Now I just ride that bloody roller coaster, hanging on tight and screaming all the way.
I like the idea of screaming all of the way.