Have you ever been in a long period of ennui?
I have. Right now, in fact.
There are many mitigating factors. The loss of my job a year ago, the acceptance that some of my dreams will not be happening, my oldest one moving out, my mother having a ‘health incident,’ debt that does not seem to be going away.
I am tired all of the time. I can’t move and creating anything beyond the basics is an effort. My garden is done for the year and that is one easy blog entry every two weeks I won’t have for the next five months.
I am hitting a wall. But what I really want to do is bust through.
I read blogs about other people taking a leap of faith, quitting their jobs and moving towards their dreams. I am inspired, I am fearful. I am wondering what I would do if that was me. I push myself to eat right and exercise so that I won’t slide back from the physical gains I have made in the past year. I keep wondering what is next.
What is my dream? What do I want to pursue?
The novel I started writing and re-writing is not getting done. The quilt I started that is for my room is not getting done. I thought about starting a magazine. I think about starting a artist’s colony that would also offer a variety of classes and artistic space for retreats -groups and singles.
What I am really doing is running in place.
I am sewing but not completing anything. I mend the back of my couch time and time again, just to have to do it two weeks later. I clean up the same mess of dropped coats and accumulating clutter every week, every day.
So I have started asking myself what I want. First on the list is to never again have a boss like my last one whose madness was never inspiring. I spent more time wondering how to stay out of her way and being on the good side. That was never going to happen because as editorial, I was not earning money for the company. Granted, I was creating the product the sales staff was selling BUT WHO CARES THE FUCK ABOUT THAT!
I want something that allows my creative side and teaching side to come out. I want to have some status and some money so I can afford the crossover vehicle of my dreams. No matter what I dream up, I can see how it will all happen. But what I want the most from the crystal ball is to know which one would be best. What should I try for that will make money and bring happiness while being an ethical business person? Once that is decided, how do I get the money to make it all happen?
Perhaps if I swirl the last of the coffee in my cup and read the crumbs after they settle I will figure it all out.